Stay or Go

Where to begin? I had a nice time seeing Michele, Justin, Mariah, Corey, Cole, and Cailyn this past weekend. I always love going to Mariah’s to see them. Bummer, that I only get the chance when Michele comes home from Alabama. Sami drove down with me. Michele is her favorite Aunt and Justin, Mariah, and Corey are favorite cousins.

Sami and Michele were discussing how I will never leave Mike. That I like the abuse. I wish it was as simple as just leaving him. But it’s not. I have been with him for over half my life. I am not working right now, my back. I know sounds like an excuse, and hey it probably is.

I just don’t know what to do. I have said that as soon as my kids are older. Well they are, and I am still here. Where does a woman go when she has no income, no place to live. How do you tell the man that you have been with for so many years that your leaving? I have left once before. But I came back. Mike promised me things would be different. And I believed him. Just like I did 13 yrs ago, when I dropped the divorce and moved up to Brainerd.

I am so confused. I don’t know what to do. The kids all see that we are not happy, I see, Mike has to see it. Do I just start packing my things, and tell Mike that I need out. Ask him to pay for a place for me to live? Maybe I should just find someone who would like a roommate. So one who would let me do housework, cooking, and cleaning, in lieu of rent.

Family Dynamics

Thought I would share some background on my life. I am the youngest of 5, Michele, Tamara, Rich, Larry, and then me. We all share our mom, Michele has her dad, Tam & Rich share one, Mom was married to him and Larry and I have same biological dad, Mom was married to him. I say it like that as Wendell was more Larry’s dad then mine. My dad is Dayton Paulson, he is who raised me. He married my mom when I was a baby. They divorced when I was 16, but he is still my dad and is there for me. My mom remarried when I was 16 to Scott. He has 2 children, Ben, and Jennifer. They are both younger then me. But never had considered them my step siblings. Mom is currently divorced from Scott.

It seemed normal for me growing up to have Tammy, and Rich only over at holidays. With Larry and I going to see Wendell. I thought everyone had a dad and a poppa, and siblings that didn’t live with them.

We are all grown up know. Michele lives in Alabama, is married. Her oldest son lives in MN and youngest son and daughter live in WI. Tammy is divorced and live in MN with 2 sons. Rich is married lives in MN both daughters in MN, one at home, one on own. Larry is divorced lives in MN his sons live with him, daughter with ex-wife. And then there is me. I am married, live in MN all three kids live at home still. Girls are 23, & 21, son is 18. I also have a grandson that I kind of adopted. His mom was one of the cheerleaders I coached. He is a joy to have, and can’t wait until my kids have babies.

So there is a little insight to my family dynamics. I’ll talk more about growing up another time. After all it is part of how I was shaped, and how I deal with life.

What to do???

So what do you do when you would rather be someplace else? I know that there are people who are worse off then me. That would love to have a husband like mine, but I am not happy. But things aren’t always as they seem. I admit that I am not perfect, don’t think anyone is. Over the past 25 years I have changed, grown, I am no longer the shy, quiet girl who wants to keep everyone happy, make no waves. Who believes that what she wants needs to come last. Everyone’s wishes, dreams, needs, wants come first.

I want to come 1st. Is that wrong? Don’t get me wrong I love my family, and want them to be happy. But I want to be happy. Not that I know what will make me happy, but it is time for a change. There is something that I want, I know I shouldn’t but I do. It’s nothing bad. It’s just not what anyone would expect me to want. But I do. Do I just say to hell with it, and go after what I want? Oh well, guess it is time for some more soul searching.

First Time

I am new to this, so bear with me. Where to start? Just sitting in my bedroom, watching TV, texting a friend, and playing on the computer. Will have to get off computer soon, because Mike doesn’t like me being on it. He has to check and see who talking to, what sites on. He is getting worse and worse on checking up on me. Today I cleaned up my craft area; I am hoping to do some sewing for Christmas. Also went to Menards. Then came home and took a 3 hrs nap. Wonder if I will ever feel good again or if this is going to be my life. I hate not being able to do normal things without feeling like crap, and back being in pain. But at least what I have won’t kill me, just makes life hell sometimes. I will get into what I have later; right know I just want to complain some.